When your skin is as thin as Saran Wrap and your monstrous muscles are rippling beneath it ... you feel amazing! When you stand in front of your bathroom mirror and perform the "alternating pec bounce"... you know that you're a stud! When you reach out to shake your father-in-laws hand and your forearm is the size of his neck... you feel like nothing in the world can take you down! (I can go on... but I won't)
My point is that you want nothing more than to be "Jacked And Cut"... so, I'm gonna show you how. Below is a outline of the SICKEST workout I have ever done. After its completion, I swear that my neck grew 4 inches in diameter and my voice dropped 2 octaves lower than "Xerxes The Evil Persian God'" (and Jason Taylor look-alike) in the movie 300.
After attending a seminar in Sarasota FL featuring The Nationally Ranked 'Strong Man' - Tom Mitchell, I decided that I'd take him up on his offer to train at his home in Clearwater. As I am a self proclaimed "Pain Junkie", I decided that it would be a great test of my will to toss kegs with this 330 lb. beast who was louring us into his Underground Gladiator Training Domain, which he called home.
Upon arrival, Tom says "well, lets warm up"... below is The Strong Man's idea of a warm up:
1. Add 205 lbs. to the "yoke" (pictured above), load it on your back and walk 15 yards. Yea, I hear you.. "only a 15 yard walk?" I thought so too, until the friggin "yoke" began to swing forward and back, yanking me around like my 1st grade teacher hauling me down to the principals office by my collar. (Lord save her if I bump into that b*tch today!)
2. Proceed to progressively add several massive slabs of iron to the yolk until each of your vertebrae are on the verge of crumbling into little pockets of blood, cartilage and bone. We worked our way up to about 660 pounds... it was at this point that I realized "Heck, I think I'm warmed up now... lets train!"
Exercise #1 - Kegs
1. Line up 4 kegs that incrementally grow heavier from left to right. Make sure that the last keg is no more than 300 pounds, or you might not get a "good pump". (Yea...) In fact, it should only be about 100 pounds heavier than a baby elephant.
2. Proceed from left to right lifting each keg onto a 5 foot platform. Upon completion of the last and heaviest keg... bend over at your waist and give what ever food you have stirring in your stomach to the nearest tree. Once you have wiped the last bit of half digested lamb chop from your chin, compete your 2nd and 3rd set.
3. If at this point you haven't noticed that everyone around you is talking and moving in slow motion, then feel free to hoist the heaviest keg onto the platform a few more times. My friend Tom reminded me, after I awoke from my 10 second coma, that I am free to lift it once more as it is customary for the 'new guy' to ....bla, bla, bla.
Exercise #2 - Atlas Stones
1. Stand in front of a 225 solid concrete "ball", remind yourself of how much fun you are having, and simply lift it onto the 5 foot platform. NOTE: be sure not to let the ball fall through your forearm grip, as it will take some of your skin with it on its way back to the earth.
(no need to worry about the raw flesh that will be exposed, as it will only take about 24 hours for a thick layer of maroon and pink scab to crust over it and protect you from any infections... today I even begun picking off the scabs and it's beginning to look new again!)
2. It is at about this point that you will realize that you have never really "trained" before. You'll begin to understand that all of the "fluffy" functional training garbage that you have been reading about in Mens Fitness magazine is nothing but a bunch of soft skinned, pencil pushers feeding you a load of re-fabricated 'exercises' swiped from their moms Jane Fonda VHS collection.
Exercise #3 - Tires
1. This is a great "cool down" movement and will send you home looking forward to the next session.
Stare unwittingly at the 770 lb. lump of molded rubber that you are about to flip end over end. Remind yourself that "form is key" while you are mustering up whatever energy you may have left.
Collapse over at the waist and rest your cheek on the tire... as if you are about to fall asleep on it. Slurp up the last bit of drool oozing out of your mouth and PULL!
2. The stubborn tire will attempt to crush you underneath its weight but will not succeed beyond the sound of your "piglet style" squeal and the sheer force behind your flailing arms and legs. As the tire proceeds back towards the ground throw your torso forward onto it and prepare for the second flip.
3. After your 5th tire flip take a short nap and repeat a 2nd and then 3rd set.
Done.
Getting "Jacked and Cut" can be accomplished quickly and easily by simply following a workout as outlined above. At first you may ask yourself, "when and I going to die already?" but with time you'll begin to get the hang of it...
and the results will be soon to follow.
I would like to thank my friend Tom Mitchell for making a man out of me... as well as his lovely family for allowing the boys to play nicely in the front yard.
Learn more about Tom and The Florida Strong Man Team at:
http://www.floridastrongman.com/
